<![CDATA[PASS Center

2020 has brought with it a strange and rare global experience. All of humanity is daily grappling with the uncertainty, insecurity and unpredictability that come with a pandemic.

People are scared and have no idea what to do. Send the kids to school? Go to the grocery store? Pay the rent? Most of us have oscillated on these decisions multiple times if not multiple times a day. The adults are struggling to manage all of the feelings and it is clear that no one in leadership really knows what to do. So how in tarnation are we supposed to support our children in feeling safe and secure?

The answer to that question must be addressed by first defining what makes a child secure?

As a consumerist culture we tend to equate security with wealth and status. While those elements of privilege can protect people from poverty and the stresses that come with it, no amount of money can make anyone feel deeply secure within. Of course every parent wants to impart as much external security as we can to our children, but our most effective and long lasting gift is the gift of a secure relational experience.

The experience of security is not the same as feeling confident, certain, or even fearless. Rather the word comes from the attachment research and is in fact a relational term. It is indicated by a child’s ability to reach for, turn to, and utilize connection and relationship to effectively soothe their bodies when feeling distressed.

In one of the most important research protocols related to attachment, The Strange Situation, babies are given scores based on their ability to seek out their caregiver upon reunion of being separated (having their attachment system stressed). Babies who are able to easily reach for their caregiver, and then be quickly soothed (within 3 minutes), are categorized as having a “secure” coping organization and categorized as such.

The longitudinal (long term) studies on these babies have found that the babies who were most likely to actively physically reach for their caregiver for comfort were also the least likely to struggle with mental illness, addiction, and even other health issues like diabetes and heart disease.

Being able to seek others for comfort is not just warm and fuzzy, it’s integral to our whole well-being.

Does your child know that you are a predictable, safe, comforting source when they feel scared, angry, distressed, or ashamed? Do they feel that you are able to accurately understand and meet their needs for closeness? Will they be able to feel their feelings with you without being dismissed? Will they be able to share their feelings in your presence without you spiraling yourself into a state of distress?

The beauty of our attachment bonds is that they were designed for EXACTLY such a scenario as corona-virus. We are meant to find co-regulation during times that are scary, scarce, and sad. The beauty about attachment is that our attachment styles are not hardwired, rather they are coping skills that can adapt and grow. The way in which we are available for our children’s tender needs and feelings is something we can work on, improve, and even repair if we’ve struggled to do so well in the past.

I have come to think of a pandemic as an experience of perpetual loss. Not only the loss of lives, but the losses that accompany the insecurity inherent in having a microscopic virus run rampant and out of control in our communities. The loss of the ability to eat normally at a restaurant. The loss of the ability to enjoy previous conditions of community interaction (like not wearing a mask). The loss of school. The loss of celebrations like birthdays, weddings and graduations. The loss of jobs and finances. Social gatherings. Even something as simple as the ease of going to a pool without a reservation.

In the time of COVID 19 we are riddled with losses, and so are our children. So as they come to us with their pain, (Mama? Why can’t we go inside grandma and grandpa’s house anymore? Mama? Why can’t Charlie come over and play with my toys? Mama? Why can’t I see my school friends or teachers?), we must find a way to be available for connection to help our kids regulate through this disaster.

In oversimplified terms here is a map for establishing, or continuing a secure relationship with your children:

Notice what they are feeling (attunement).
Help them discuss feelings freely and make it clear that it is normal to feel sad, scared, angry, and uncertain during these times. Give them language that helps them to identify the range of things they feel so they are greater equipped to self-identify their feelings and share them with others.
Validate and empathize with their feelings.
When they tell you what they are feeling, and most importantly, when they are brave enough to show you what they are feeling, offer them your presence, and a face that mirrors their experience so they can feel felt by you. Empathy is FEELING what someone else feels in your presence and knowing that feeling within your own body.
Keep your body calm
not numb, but calm. I would define calm as a body state where you are present to feelings but not flooded by them. We want our children to borrow from our calmness so they can feel that we are feeling their feelings, but they can also feel that we are in control of our feelings and not overwhelmed by theirs.
Be honest instead of trying to make the bad feelings go away.
Instead of using platitudes like “everything will be ok” or “things will be back to normal soon”, try using relational terms such as “everything we go through, we go through together”, or “when things feel hard we will work together to find a way through”.
Don’t overshare.
Your child does not need to know about the adult burdens you are carrying, so when you are honest about your own fears say something like: “I feel scared sometimes too which is why I make sure to ask your mom for help” instead of painting the picture of what you know can go wrong in this situation (we could all die!). No kid needs to know how much money you lost in your stock profile, or how the pandemic is affecting the intimacy in your marriage etc.
Model using relationships to cope.
You may be an adult, but you also need your attachment relationships to regulate during this time. Ask for support from your partner, your friends, your family, and your community. If you are struggling to cope, find a therapist who sees you, gets you, and can help you contain and regulate all the things you are working through so you have space to do the same for your children.

Though no one has gone through this specific pandemic before, humanity has certainly weathered similar storms. Our attachment system is designed for these times. Our ability to use closeness to survive is our finest trait in my opinion and not to be underestimated in its effectiveness.

While you cannot predict the future or promise your child that there won’t be more losses, you certainly can help them manage all that they are feeling through the most important human experience of all: connection.